I’m not even sure how to write what I am about to write.

I spoke to Laura’s oncologist a bit ago. It turns out that the bulk of her breathing failure can be directly attributed to her tumor. It also turns out that the tumor is in fact growing again. He didn’t really specify how much it is growing, but just… it is at least a little larger than it was in December. She doesn’t appear to have any infections in her lungs at all, and they ceased the antibiotics. She is still sedated.

What this means is there simply isn’t anything else that can be done to treat the tumor right now. Her oncologist did talk in depth about the situation with her bone marrow doctor (who is an amazing doctor), and there are not any chemo therapies they can give her. Any chemo they could give her would simply kill her, and not do enough or anything to the tumor that would change the situation.

Of course, the tumor is only on one side, so she has another lung. It is also inflamed and they are not sure why. The good news on that side is that the left lung is improving, and the inflammation is decreasing… very slowly. They hope they can at least ween her off of the breathing machine and see how she does. The only real hope for her is that she is able to be weened off of the machine and stabilize her breathing until such a time when she can recover to receive more treatment for the tumor. But, we are talking in terms of months and years, which is a length of time her lungs probably cannot hold out for.

There are quite a number of other complications involved, such as the possibility that her bone marrow is failing, the shingles, blood clots, etc. Her doctor was pretty frank in saying that some “tough decisions” will probably need to be made in the next coming weeks.

Honestly, I am a mess today. How I am going to get through work… I have no idea. Anyone reading this that knows me should probably note that I really don’t want to discuss any of this right now. I can barely hold my composure in a normal conversation. I am strongly hoping that at least her lung stabilizes enough so that they can take her off of the sedation so I can at least talk to her, and spend some more time with her before the end. My greatest hope is for a miracle and that she pulls through and can recover somehow.

I’m sorry to have to bring such horrible news. I wish so much things had not come to this. Believe me when I tell you I’ve done everything I can, and was with her through everything she went through. I’m totally sick to my stomach. I kills me that I can’t continue to be with her all of the time, but I am in such financial dire straits that I can’t afford to take anymore time off from work.

Hopefully by Monday we will have a better idea of what is going on, and I will let everyone know. If any of you know any of Laura’s other friends, point them here or have them email me. I’m having a hard time finding everyone’s contact info.